Navigating Intrusive Thoughts as a New Mum
As an anxiety sufferer with OCD, I am no stranger to intrusive thoughts. The mind has a strange way of conjuring scenarios of our worst fears that can be distressing, and I have encountered my fair share. However, nothing could have prepared me for intrusive thoughts of harm coming to my baby.
Have you ever found yourself contemplating stepping onto train tracks as the tube approaches? Or disrupting the serenity of a quiet place with a loud outburst? Surprisingly, these intrusive thoughts are deemed normal. For some, these intrusive thoughts are merely a passing notion, easily dismissed as they continue with their day. Unfortunately, for me, it caused extreme anxiety and meant engaging in compulsions and rituals, such as touching wood, counting, saying a mental prayer, in an attempt to prevent these thoughts from becoming reality. When these intrusive thoughts extended to my baby such as “what if I throw her down the stairs”, “What if I push the pram out onto the road” or seeing images of my baby not breathing, my anxiety reached debilitating levels.
I felt robbed of the newborn stage, when bonding and joy should take precedence. Instead of being able to cherish those early moments, I couldn’t sleep from worry, I was obsessively checking her breathing, replaying ‘what if’ scenarios in my head and seeing unwanted devastating images. My anxiety took over, I was worried that if I told anyone what I was thinking I would be seen as an unfit mother; I would be judged at thinking about my baby coming to harm especially if they sometimes involved me causing the harm. I felt like it was never going to end and that I was a terrible mum and questioning if I was even cut out for motherhood. It wasn’t until an Instagram reel popped up in my feed of a new mum sharing some of the intrusive thoughts she had about her baby that I was like "Wait, other people get these thoughts too?" It instantly made me feel less alone and more ‘normal’. That's why I really want to share my experience here, so other new mums get it, that it's okay and they're not terrible mums for having these thoughts. We're all just human.
Fast forward three months from welcoming my baby girl into the world, intrusive thoughts still come, as they do for everyone, but my response has evolved. Whether you have OCD or not, try to look at these thoughts for what they are – quick mental blips that don't mean much. I've made a conscious decision not to give them the attention they crave as I have learned the more attention we give, the more these distressing thoughts stick around. This shift in mindset has significantly lessened the anxiety I used to feel when those distressing thoughts of harm to my baby popped into my mind.
To all you new mums dealing with intrusive thoughts, just know you’re not alone. It's totally normal, it's just part of being human. The anxiety that comes with it? Well, that's just a sign of how much you love and want to protect your little one. So, the next time you catch up with your NCT crew or chat with mum friends from down the road, consider opening up about it.
Chances are, they might be dealing with the same thing, and you'll find comfort in the shared experience.
You're not alone in this journey. You’ve got this!