I wore the damn bikini!

I have dieted every year of my life since I was 12. I’ve done Low Carb, No Carb, Calorie Counting, Juice Cleanse, Smoothie Diet, Lemonade Diet (the worst of all BTW), Paleo, Intermittent Fasting and every other fad you can think of. My weight changed, but my feelings about my body didn’t - no matter how much weight I lost, it never felt enough. So, having a baby turned everything I knew and felt about my body completely upside down!

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Full disclosure; I’m a straight sized woman so I don’t have to navigate the fatphobia that is prevalent in our society in the way that some people do. A positive mindset won’t fight weight stigma or discrimination for those in marginalised bodies. But, I have still received negative comments about my body. From boys at school, from girls at school, in the workplace and even on the street. Most recently, when my daughter was 3 months old I was asked by an acquaintance if I was pregnant again. When I said; they tried to back track, embarrassed, but it was too late. I knew a comment like that could send me spiralling. I tried not to let it.

When we booked our first family holiday; I was so ready for a break - to relax by the pool and see my daughter build her first sandcastle. But it didn’t take long for those anxieties and insecurities to resurface. After having a baby, many women don’t recognise their new bodies and with ‘bounce back’ culture still so prominent, the ultimate goal seems to be to have children but never ever show any sign that your body has carried a baby. I packed a bikini. Because it’s a beach holiday and that’s what you do, right? But I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. I didn’t know if I would have the confidence to wear it. Because I’m not a confident person. I want to be - but, just like the ‘perfect beach body’, it has always felt so unattainable to me.

But here’s the thing; just like a bikini shouldn’t be saved for one body type, neither should confidence. It comes from within - so no one knows if you’re really feeling it, or if you’re faking it. So, when I don’t feel like I can show up - in a bikini or anything else, I’m trying to show up anyway hoping I will feel the confidence I’m pretending to have. I’m trying to forget about how I might look and focus instead on what I might do, and suddenly the world seems full of opportunities that I would have turned down before because I wanted to wait until I looked ‘right’ or felt ready.

But the world won’t wait for me.

My daughter won’t wait for me.

She’s walking now and growing every day and I don’t want her to look back and wonder why there are no photos of us together. I don’t want to be too exhausted from crash dieting to chase after her. I don’t want her to grow up thinking that if she isn’t a certain size or shape that good things aren’t meant for her. Because that’s what we’ve been tricked into believing, isn’t it? That if we aren’t thin enough, we don’t deserve to enjoy the birthday cake or wear the pretty dress or exercise just for the fun of it…I fear she will waste as much time and energy as I have worrying about how she looks. Because even now, writing this, after 23 years of trying and knowing it’s not true - I still sit here and wonder if I would be happier if my body was smaller.

So I decided I’m done apologising. I’m done hiding. I’m done holding my breath and my tummy in. And I’m done holding myself back. I wore the damn bikini! And I would do it again - strike that, I will do it again!