Being a mum with PND: When ‘baby blues’ turn into ‘dark avenues’.

It’s the hardest job in the world, right!?

People always warn you ‘Wow it’s tough’ but until you’re a mum you never really understand how tough it actually is.

I don’t think I will ever be able to explain the love I have for my daughter or the amount she fills my heart.

In the same breath, I’ve often sat and wished I’d FELT more, really FEEL and be in the moment & felt guilty when I can’t reach that peak feeling of the amount of love I know I have for her.

Auto pilot seems to be my every day language. I feel guilt that I’m not showing her the world as much as I think I should. Being a mum you question everything. Every move. Every feeling. Every single thing we do. What we have. What we don’t have. 

But the fact us mums are even brave enough to question ourselves and admit how we feel and even feel the need to explain how much we love our babies, just goes to show how much of an amazing job we’re doing.

Let’s turn back the clocks…

At the end of 2019, my mental health took a turn for the worst. After 22 years of living, being so naive to mental health as a whole; depression, anxiety, self harm & suicidal thoughts hit me like a tonne of bricks.

In the Summer of 2020, after 7 months of taking anti depressants to help me get through my days, I went cold turkey. A decision I do not wish upon anybody and strictly urge anyone to consult health professionals before making any decisions. The side effects - mentally, emotionally and physically not only scared me but terrified my loved ones.

Fast forward 3 months, I fell pregnant and it felt like all my prayers were answered. Mental health no longer existed. I was becoming a Mum.

I welcomed my beautiful baby girl in June 2021. A time in our lives that is painted to be so perfect. Every waking hour is made out to be pure magic. So why didn’t I feel explosions of this joy everyone speaks about? Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE my baby girl and of course did back then too. But this is where I knew, my mental health of course did not just disappear.

I experienced the general baby blues … but they didn’t seem to go away?

I lost myself. Well and truly did not recognise my reflection in the mirror. I wasn’t me. I didn’t feel like me. Didn’t look like me. Didn’t act like me. I found myself in a very dark, lonely place.

And that’s what depression is. An accumulation of anger, tiredness, sadness, frustration, overthinking - the deepest, darkest depths. 

How many of you reading this have felt guilt? Guilt that you shouldn’t be feeling this way because you have a beautiful new baby? Guilt that you’re not giving them your undivided attention or taking them to the best baby classes every day and joining groups, meeting up with other mums and babies?

Confused as to why you’re so stuck in this rut and you cannot understand why it feels impossible to find a way out.

Whilst feeling extreme levels of despair and sadness, whilst crying for help but also refusing it, whilst living through this prolonged period of feeling low - did you exclude yourself? Did you cancel plans or make up excuses? Tell yourself you could do it all alone because you had something to ‘prove’? Yeah, me too.

There is such a stigma around depression, especially post natal depression - as many don’t understand why. Ive even said myself before now “how can you be so sad when you’ve got your whole life in your arms”. I did not understand. But the thing is, people don’t need to understand, they just need to listen. And when you’re ready, allow yourself to receive help, in whichever way, shape or form you feel is best.

When becoming a parent, you are consistently dealing with constant demands, sleepless nights. And they do not stop. 

Fast forward two years, I sit here writing this blog to share my experience. Because if it will help or resonate with even just one person, that’s my good deed done for the day.

I sit here today, with a full heart, a beautiful 2 year old happy girly and a little more strength and courage than I did in past times. But I also sit here still relying on anti depressants to make my days a little more manageable. I do wonder whether they are covering up a deeper issue or masking the root cause - but for now, they’re doing their job and helping me stay afloat, above water. 

It’s so easy in parenthood to lose ourselves. Compare ourselves. Destruct ourselves.

“Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It can also affect fathers and partners.” 

So next time you’re feeling deep in your thoughts, anxious, overtired, stressed, low or angry - remember you are NOT alone. Your story, your situation and your feelings may not necessarily be the same as the next persons but those feelings are very much valid! You are allowed to FEEL!

Allow yourself time to heal & allow life to stand still, without frantically trying to piece everything together all at once. One. Day. At. A. Time. 

Side note: Please, please remember that social media is not all that it seems either. It is a thumbnail … only showing people the best version of themselves.

But anyway, that’s a whole different story for another day …

Let’s put the world to rights together again some time soon.

Take care & look after YOU,

Love Lauren Xx

If you feel like you may be suffering with PND then its important you speak to a GP, midwife or health visitor as soon as possible. You can read more on this here.